"Oh here she goes again talking all up in her blog like she knows it all"
This thought is one of the reasons I've hesitated writing a blog in the past. Now before I begin this post, I'd just like to clarify, I don't think I know everything. Far from it. I know only the lessons that my life has taught me, which might I add, I hope to be a relatively small amount of knowledge compared to what I will know when I'm a wrinkly old lady.
However something I do know is that "The human body has about 10 million different varieties of white blood cells, each designed to destroy a specific enemy"
10 million!!!!
I learned that from my book today. You can thank Bill Bryson and his 'A Short history of nearly everything'
Which is actually the topic of todays musings.
Well half of today's musings. Books. Or one book in particular.
Not that one.
Books have always held a special place in my heart, although I can't say I've dedicated enough of my life to reading them. Something I've made a conscious effort to change over the past couple of years. I'm one of those annoying people who wanders aimlessly around bookstores with absolutely no intention to buy (because I have 15 unread books sat on my bookshelf). But, simply to be surrounded by all of those wonderful little worlds.
I'm also one of those annoying people that likes to walk around the countryside baa'ing at sheep and laughing as they look at me with a 'Oh sweetheart please' kind of look. But that's for another day.
Or maybe I'll leave those musings unwritten.
Up until a couple of years ago you would have found my shelves packed with novels. 2013/14 saw me engrossed in the Game of Thrones books. I was hooked, and if you know me well enough you'll also know that I have an extremely all or nothing kind of character. I can't eat some of the Ice Cream. Oh no, it has to be all of the Ice Cream. All of the Ice Cream.
I remember being so in love with the books that I read them whenever I had a spare minute. All of my spare minutes were devoted to reading. George RR Martin is a genius, and, I'm sure if you've read the books, you'll all agree. His words were the perfect escape from life. I needed an escape from real life. And right then, that was it. I used novels to take my mind to a life that wasn't my own.
But January 2015 I dragged myself into the non fiction section of the bookstore. The section that read 'self help', where I remember feeling instantly embarrassed to be seen not coping with life.
Embarrassed
How did that happen?
How did we become so ashamed of needing help? Of feeling vulnerable?
I didn't even know what I was looking for, but as I scanned the shelves I saw a few titles that I thought seemed appropriate, and I popped them into google.
'7 Habits of Highly Effective people'
As I write this blog I look up to see it sat on my shelf, battered, bruised and highlighted (don't tell the little people that, we don't write in books :)) and very much loved.
This book turned out to be one of the most profoundly influential books that I might ever experience. This book, I feel was the beginning of a new way of thinking for me (something I'll discuss shortly)
But before we go any further I want to explain how annoying my vision can be when I read. Floaters now take up my entire vision, but some seem to be more prominent than others, I think this is determined by how close they are to your retina. Anyway, there are ones that I see in all conditions. Ones, that are based right in the centre of my vision that move ridgeldy with any eye movement.
And so you can imagine when I read, they go back and forth along the lines on the page. Kind of like a little cursor. Surrounded by lots of other little freaking annoying as hell cursers, some just a little less obvious than others. Back and forth back and forth back and forth. Reading isn't easy. But I've made a commitment to myself to do all of the things that nourish my soul regardless of how difficult they might be.
I have also considered naming these extremely prominent and annoying floaters but something in my head told me it probably wasn't the best thing for my sanity. So I refrained. Plus, there'll be more, possibly more prominent and annoying, and nobody wants to be that character that goes through all your siblings names, whenever you're being naughty.
"Nanna, its Stacey, my name is Stacey, Mandy has been in Ireland for 20 odd years now, and Jason, well Jason is a boy"
Nanna's. Why do they do that?
It's a universal Nanna law to do that I'm sure. Like you can't be a real Nanna until you call all your grandchildren by all your other grandchildren's names every time you need them to switch a light off, or grab you a drink of water.
I don't want to be a Nanna, just yet.
When I picked up the book in need of guidance, alongside the struggles with my sight, I was battling a healthy, or rather unhealthy dose of Health anxiety where I thought about my health, and death. Constantly.
I was attending 3 different doctors, at least once a fortnight, sometimes weekly, (not something I shared with loved ones) with a part of my health that was concerning me. I spent probably thousands of dollars on appointments, scans and tests.
I no longer suffer from health anxiety, or any kind of anxiety really. In fact, people will often praise my calm nature and way with life. I'm calmer now. But I wasn't then, I was anything but calm and I've often thought about why I think that was.
Generally I think its hard to put your finger on the exact cause of anxieties, most of the time they're so deeply and subconsciously rooted and some of them are the result of years of issues that had been left unresolved.
For me, it was probably that I was afraid to talk. I harboured my worries, tried to ignore them and get on with life.
I first noticed the changes in my sight when I was just 11. My first year of High School. But nobody else was talking about these little things, nobody else seemed to have the same issue, and so for 7 years I kept it to myself.
I was scared. I wanted to avoid reality and I was absolutely terrified that someone would tell me I'd lose my sight.
I wish I hadn't done that. I wish I hadn't gotten into the habit of not talking. Maybe thats why I'm doing so much of it now.
Another contribution to my unhealthy thinking was the lack of medical answers. Nobody knew why, and I convinced myself that if this was happening to my sight, then other things were surely going to fail me.
That's ridiculous.
I know.
And lastly I believed that although I'd lived a life full of the most wonderful experiences, it had not been a life that was true to myself. And the idea of dying before I'd lived a life more true to me, terrified me. I didn't want to die before I felt I had properly lived.
Health Anxiety. It's not fun. Its really not a fun thing to live with. It's tiring and it stops you from living in the present. Something I make a conscious effort to do now.
It's an illness of the mind, not the body, but my god can it play with that too.
The mind is so powerful that it can actually trigger the physical pain that goes with your thoughts. It becomes so sensitive to every feeling in your body, and becomes transfixed on them.
The NHS website lists the following as symptoms of health anxiety:
“Odd’ sensations in various parts of body or body aching
Breathing changes
Tight or painful chest
Dizzy, light headed
Feeling jumpy or restless
Having to go to the toilet frequently
Headache
Heart pounds, races, skips a beat
Tense muscles
Tingling or numbness in toes, fingers or arms
It's actually quite a fascinating thought to think that the mind can do that to your body. At it's peak, towards the end of 2014, I remember walking home from work feeling nauseous and dizzy, my head was painful, and my legs heavy.
My legs were so heavy I found it hard to move them. It was as though I was wearing a heavy suit of armour.
I think this is a good time to bring my mother into this blog, the wonderful human who, at the other side of the world, would answer her phone, all hours of the day and night, in order to listen to anything I had to say. No matter how ridiculous my worries were. I'm grateful for many many things in this life, but this lady has to be my most treasured gift.
I know it may seem as though I'm heading in an opposite direction to the initial topic of this blog, but be patient, its all relevant. Or at least I believe so.
So back to the book. Stephen R Covey wrote the '7 habits of highly effective people' to help businesses but in the end found that it related to all aspects of life.
In the early stages of the book Stephen refers to the 'Pygmalion effect', and the realisation of how deeply imbedded our perceptions are, he states that we 'must look at the lens through which we see the world, as well as at the world we see, and recognise that the lens itself shapes how we interpret the world'. He explains how two people can look at the exact same thing and interpret it in completely different ways, depending on the lens in which it is being looked at and the factors that had moulded that lens.
But the part of his book that interested or affected me most were his chapters on 'Paradigm's'. A Paradigm he explains is 'the way we "see" the world - not in terms of our visual sense of sight, but in terms of perceiving, understanding and interpreting' Below is an exert from the book and a simpler way of describing what is meant by a paradigm
"For our purposes, a simple way to understand paradigms is to see them as maps. We all know that "the map is not the territory". A map is simply an explanation of certain aspects of the territory. Thats exactly what a paradigm is. It is a theory, an explanation, or model of something else. Suppose you wanted to arrive at a specific location in central Chicago. A street map of the city would be a great help to you in reaching your destination. But suppose you were given the wrong map. Through a printing error, the map labelled "Chicago" was a actually a map of Detroit. Can you imagine the frustration, the ineffectiveness of trying to reach your destination? You might work on your behaviour, you could try harder, be more diligent, double your speed. But your efforts would only succeed in getting you to the wrong place faster. You might work on your attitude, you could think more positively, you still wouldn't get to the right place. The point is you'd still be lost. The fundamental problem has nothing to do with your behaviour or your attitude. It has everything to do with having the wrong map. If you have the right map of Chicago, then diligence becomes important, and when you encounter frustrating obstacles along the way then attitude can make a real difference. But the first and most important requirement is the accuracy of the map"
I had the wrong map.
The map I held was wrong. The way I was viewing the world and my struggles were wrong. I was relying on and blaming others and I needed the map that showed me that we are all accountable for our lives. That it was my responsibility.
I had a map that told me there was an external fix to my problems and there wasn't. So all of my positive thinking, my bright instagram posts, my influential pick me up posts, they were useless, they weren't helping me, because I was trying to reach a destination with all the wrong mental tools, I was reading the wrong map and I was so so lost.
This book generated a paradigm shift. This, along with a few other situations or encounters all in a small amount of time afterwards were like lightbulb moments. And when they all began to light up, I felt an overwhelming feeling of guilt.
My sight (along with my INFJ character and an immense feeling of being misunderstood) had manipulated my character enough that I had become someone who was so in love with the world but so unbelievably angry at it too. I felt as though I wasn't getting what I needed, emotionally, that I was being let down and therefore I failed to provide others close to me what they needed to. I resented them for not understanding.
I carried this guilt heavily on my shoulders and subconciously looked for ways to right what I felt had been my wrongs.
I would often not leave a shop without something for the homeless person who was sat outside of it.
I felt guilty.
I felt guilty and sorry that I hadn't known how to handle it all, and in the process I'd become someone I didn't recognise, someone I didn't want to be, someone that wasn’t me. And I was sorry for the hurt it had caused others, and I was sorry for all the people I saw, who had less than I did.
Shortly after returning to Sydney In 2015, a man spat at the food I'd offered him, and angrily told me to take it away, that he didn't need the food.
That was painful.
I cried as I walked away from him. Not for me, but for him. I was beginning to understand everything a little clearer now, but I also understood that maybe some people never would.
I felt grateful but heavy hearted too.
Stephen discusses further how our paradigms, correct or incorrect are the sources of our attitudes and behaviours, and ultimately our behaviour with others.
My old paradigm heavily impacted important relationships, but my new one came with the most wonderful enriching relationships, with myself, and the people around me, big, but mainly small (I'll talk about those precious little people more in another blog).
But I do want to acknowledge a few people just now.
Sanne, there really isn't enough words to express how lucky I feel to have you in my life, you have listened without judgement to all of my dramas and you're still to let me down. A friendship that only grew stronger with distance. I don't have and probably won't ever have enough thank you's.
Elly, thank you for being one of the most well rounded humans I've ever met. There's a never ending beauty to all aspects of your character. The way in which you view the world resonates with me greatly.
And Danielle, the love you have for life's simple pleasures, for your husband and your family is beautiful. Thank you for allowing me to be a small part of that, and for listening always.
*************
"We could spend weeks, months, even years labouring with the personaltiy ethic trying to change our attitudes and behaviour and not even begin to approach the phenomenon of change that occurs spontaneously when we see things differently. It becomes obvious that if we want to make relatively minor changes in our lives, we can perhaps appropriately focus on our attitudes and behaviours. But if we want to make significant, quantum change, we need to work on our basic paradigms. In the words of Thoreau, "For every thousand hacking at the leaves of evil, there is one striking at the root" We can only achieve quantum improvements in our lives as we quit hacking at the leaves of attitudes and behaviour and get to work on the root, the paradigms from which our attitudes and behaviours flow." Stephen, R, Covey
(Thoreau's book Walden, is another book that left marks on my heart, and at some point in the future id love share some of those with you too)
But right now you're probably thinking, "stop talking already and tell me what these 7 habits are"
Fine, I was getting right to it I promise.
The book is split into the 7 habits as follows:
1. Be Proactive- In order to be proactive, we must focus on the Circle of Influence that lies within our Circle of Concern -in other words, we must work on the things we can do something about.
2. Begin with the end in mind- Habit 2 suggests that, in everything we do, we should begin with the end in mind. Start with a clear destination. That way, we can make sure the steps we’re taking are in the right direction.
3. Put first things first- Think effectiveness with people and efficiency with things.
4. Think win win- To achieve Win-Win, keep the focus on results, not methods; on problems, not people.
5. Seek first to understand, then to be understood- To listen empathically requires a fundamental paradigm shift. We typically seek first to be understood. Most people listen with the intent to reply, not to understand. At any given moment, they’re either speaking or preparing to speak.
Empathic Listening: Listening with the intent to understand, both intellectually and emotionally.
Covey points out, communication experts estimate that:
10% of our communication is represented by our words
30% is represented by our sounds
60% is represented by our body language
6. Synergize- By understanding and valuing the differences in another person’s perspective, we have the opportunity to create synergy, which allows us to uncover new possibilities through openness and creativity.
7. Sharpen the saw- Habit 7 is focused around renewal, or taking time to “sharpen the saw” It surrounds all of the other habits and makes each one possible by preserving and enhancing your greatest asset - yourself.
I read the book in a week, and then I re-read it the week after. It taught me so much about the way in which we see the world, the mind, and how much control we really do have over it. Finding this book was the start of a wonderful journey.
"Our behavior is a function of our decisions, not our conditions." Stephen R Covey
I could carry on discussing this book forever and a day, but I'm aware that some of you may already be asleep with the length of this post.
Before I go I just want to clarify that I am no more ashamed of my health anxiety than I am of my sight. An illness of the mind is as relevant as an illness of the body, and I have no reason to be ashamed of either. Im guilty of sharing the wonderful parts of my life on social media. But its not my whole life. This is the flip side. If the 7 habits of highly effectively people lands in the hands of only one person reading this, then I'm happy I took the time to write it. It helped change my life, and I can only hope that someone else takes as much out of its pages and leaves it as battered, bruised and loved as much as I have mine.
I realise my first two blogs have been quite heavy, don't worry, I don't intend to talk only struggle. In 7 days time I'll be enjoying some much needed time in the sun, exploring a whole different world as I dive the Great Barrier Reef, sleep by the rainforest under the stars and revisit a place that holds such fond memories of a simpler life. I'm sure this will be the perfect prompt for me to chat the beauty of a simple life. A topic I feel very passionate about.
But for now
Im'a just shut up
Much Love
Stace